Ameru's blog

That time of the year, again. Why can't life be more like Ghibli's aesthetics? It has been a while for me to be in my 30s, and soon I will be turning 40. What will one expect when one turns into a 40-year-old woman?  Why can't life be like Ghibli's slice of life feature films? Why can't we find ideal love like in those movies? 3 years ago today I still can't imagine that I finally found out that my (back then) spouse was a serial cheater, a swinger, and an avid liar. My whole life was crumbled, and my mind went crazy, like literally mad (will tell this someday when I'm ready). And briefly after that, I met a random guy, got married again in such a short time, and have a baby not long after. Back then, no one really cares about how I feel inside, my messed up mind is still there up until now. So, what to do? Seiji and Shizuku in Whisper of the Heart (1995) Source: Whisper of the Heart (https://www.cinemaescapist.com/2014/11/whisper-of-the-heart/ & https:/...

Ingin sekedar berbagi cerita tentang perjalanan hidup sampai mendapatkan yang dinanti-nanti.  Alhamdulillah dua tahun slowdown karena pandemi membawa berkah. Setahun setelah menikah, kami dianugerahi seorang putri yang sangat kami sayangi. Perjalanan  mendapatkannya bisa dibilang tidak mudah. Akumulasi semua pengalaman sebelumnya, banyak rintangan yang dihadapi. Namun syukurlah Allah memberikan amanah kepada kami sekeluarga.  Berkah Habatussaudah Ternyata hadits Rasulullah tentang keutamaan Habatussaudah atau jinten hitam sebagai obat segala penyakit* benar adanya. Jinten hitam ini adalah faktor pembeda utama, selain suami yang sangat sabar dan waktu di rumah yang lebih panjang karena work from home (wfh) . Setelah menikah dengan suami yang penyabar ini, saya disarankan oleh adik saya untuk berikhtiar dengan cara mengkonsumsi 7 (tujuh) butir Habatussaudah/jinten hitam yang sudah disangrai dan madu setiap hari. Cukup tujuh butir, tidak perlu banyak-banyak karena Habatuss...

Being pregnant while you're on your late thirties wasn't something I really planned for. I was really skeptical before in terms of both my physical and mental condition and not really expecting this unexpected event.  But there she was, there in my belly. After a failed marriage I found a decent guy, with all of his imperfections and mine we weave our destiny together and God gave us our miraculous girl.  My mother told me how she was already planned on trying to get me to do the IVF but hesitate to do so since I wasn't really good at controlling emotions and stuff. And she was quite right since it's always been an issue and still, up until now. For our family, especially my mother, me having a girl is like an absolute must, if one might say so too. As me growing older and people start questioning (I hate how busy body people can be, while fact I spent most of my time avoiding people or meddling into their lives), some even said to my mom to get me an adopted child. It...

Eversince I was a child, as far as I can remember, my parents (esp. my mother) always told me the sole importance of being a woman is to be someone's wife (!) and bear his child (!!). You know, it's indeed imprinted deeply in my mind, since I was three years old that my existence only verified by me being a perfect girl and mother. And what makes it worse, I always told that no matter what, we have to have a girl as a successor--well our tribe is matrilineal. I was raised to belief this. My life isn't exactly Shakespeare's, yet it's kinda full of tragedy and unexpected turns. See, these things aren't good for young minds since one cannot be free from the aim for being someone's wife (!!!) and I've dated guys with no intention on getting married anytime soon. So yeah, it was chaotic. I was too naïve to read the situation back then and have no guidance from my parents--they're strict and conservative, still are up 'till now. No way they will give...

Honestly, as a human being, we're kinda used to be in a disappointing position. William Blake, an English Renaissance Poet, once said,  " It is easier to forgive an  enemy than to forgive a friend."  True, I've so many f×cked up friendship I lost count, and it is hard to mend broken relationship, let alone friendship. And also lovers, you can't possibly forgive the heartache just like that. But as people often say, time will heal everything. But what about your relationship with your workplace? Is it the same as having relationship with people?  Hardly even realised we spent too much time at our workplace , literally spending hours and hours of our lives just for the sake of gaining money, which eventually went down the drain as most only used for paying our bills. We spent most of our times for working. And with this kind of economy we're in it's even harder to be picky on what kind of work should we be in, or will it be good for our mental health or not,...

 Day 30 (final) of 30 days writing challenge When I Write Finally we come to the end of this challenge. It's been a long 30(+1) days (I skipped a day). When I write something in this blog, I rarely think about it. I just let it flow. Because it's kinda different with formal writing so I can let my mind roam freely .  Nonetheless, being forced to write in 30 days everyday proven to be a hardwork . How to keep being consistent and persistent for daily writing accordingly to schedule. Sometimes you don't have any energy left to write anything, so it's definitely hardwork. Anyways, I recall a day when somebody from my undergrad years (someone from the same year as I do, in the same lodging we're staying at my first year) telling off my spelling as wrong. I can still remember that, but the way that person telling off people wasn't really nice. At that point, I knew that studying any foreign language is not easy, and you can't mock people that learn any language...

    D ay 29 of 30 days writing challenge Future Plan I don't think I have a plan for a further future anymore. I used to have one, but since nothing came true after that particular time, I now accustomed to live my life day by day. Sure, there are p lanning ... ...but not for like a certain distant future. For example, I plan my grocery on a list, though not really sufficient as being called as planning. Actually my life now is quite unorganised , and my spouse's even more clueless than me. He doesn't have any plans for his life, or our lives. I don't have any plans for my life anymore. Lol. You see, most of the time I don't have any energy left for planning. I'm done planning. Even at work I have so many things I can't finish yet, and they kept on piling. People at work actually said I can't finish anything, well guess what, who can? (With that kind of work environment. Lol. You've got to be kidding me. Fxxx off). Those people are the worst, talking...

  D ay 28 of 30 days writing challenge Loving Someone When you truly love someone, you just know that you clicked with them. Was it the touch, the talks, the smile, or the gentle stare, everything was in line just for once. You can talk for hours and hours without even getting bored. You always long to be with him. You know you wanted to be with him. Look into his eyes As eyes are the window to the soul. You'll know you love someone and someone loves you back when you see the reflection in his eyes. You can't really lie about loving someone, at some point every lies will be revealed. You can't force your love, you don't ask to be loved. It really doesn't matter how the world see your lover, in your eyes they'll always be perfect. Though sometimes along with times you'll be weary and it's hard to keep things precisely as they were before, but you've got to nourish the love you had (and have) so it will continue to grow. Still learning this since I...

D ay 27 of 30 days writing challenge Inspiration As a muslim, we should always look up to our Prophet Muhammad PBUH as a source of inspiration and aspiration for doing our daily lives and also for the afterlife. Yes , Islam really emphasises on afterlife as a final destination of any human.  Easily Misunderstood The Prophet was known for his honesty , and gained the title of al-amin , which means a trustworthy person. His one and only true love was his first wife, Khadijah RA . When he was with her he didn't marry anyone else. Quite contrary to what the haters belief which tarnished his name as a womanizer while fact is he was only remarried after Khadijah RA passed away and all of those marriages was for social and political reasons. Muhammad PBUH is on the top list of Michael H. Hart's: the 100  (in Indonesian translation : 100 tokoh ), a book about 100 most influential figure in human history, defeating Sir Isaac Newton and Jesus Christ. The book was written in the 70s b...

  D ay 26 of 30 days writing challenge School* *I'm sorry, this is not a fun posting, will be quite serious. I attended private school until junior high, and got into public school during highschool, and continued my further education to state universities. Might considered myself as lucky to have a chance to pursue high education, since only around 8% of the population able to have it. Our country's literacy and education level is so low it's depressing. Anyways, regarding my parents' decision to have our education in private schools since kindergarten, from my point of view now is a bit trying too hard and unrealistic. Not blaming them, they portrayed their generation perfectly. They tried so hard to give what's best for us in their rigid opinion, which often made them bleed to achieve what they wanted . People around me nowadays, those new parents workmates, pushed themselves so hard to put their children on fancy private schools with really high tuition fee--m...

D ay 25 of 30 days writing challenge An Inspiration (behind the 11th picture) As a part in succeeding social distancing and upgrading survival skill, I've been doing personal culinary improvement these few months. It might be far from perfect cuisine, but it surely brought personal satisfaction.  The story behind this picture is it's the first time ever I made a home-made steak (not really aesthetic , but tasted quite nice actually hehehe) so I took a shot of it. Preferably by cooking this, I'm saving about £12 (around idr 230k) or so from dining out--also the fact we can't dine out due to extended PSBB , only take away. Got the materials through online fresh marketplace. Though my blood pressure is high these couple of days, I'm still eating this. Lol. It's more like a food to the soul.  Anyways I put a lot of my pandemic culinary experience on my  Instagram, along with many of Miko's pics. One of my friends said that lately Instagram is filled with tikto...

  D ay 24 of 30 days writing challenge Lesson Learned As my challenge skipped a day (yesterday was frantic ), I'm trying to continue on. There was a huge protest goin' against the new bill. There's also a deadline of the new job--but old job actually--that was quite depressing. I went to the office knowing that it's going to be a chaos right in front of my office in the heart of our capital. Lucky I got home prior to the clash. What should I've learnt? During these past few weeks the pressure from work is tremendous. They said that they have less position than people applying for it, and we have to compete in order to stay in our current position. Well, I'm on what we Indonesian said "Bagaikan telur di ujung tanduk," or in English, walking on thin ice . I was assigned as a group coordinator, and it really gets in my nerves. People in my group are like s××× and ungrateful brats. They're like a bunch of obnoxious people with no sense of logic, and n...

D ay 23 of 30 days writing challenge A Letter Dear Self, How are you? Long time since I see you really smile. I know I've been abusing you for so long. It's not that I wanted to, sometimes I can't even control anything. Don't worry too much. You've always been an overthinker, you need to chill down a bit. You still have people that care about you. Although not much, but they mean the world to you, so you've got to hang on for them. When did the last time you feel happy? I know it's not easy to be happy, but please remember to take things slow (in your mind especially) and accept that some people are born that way (to be jerks), so just let them be and let them go. I've known you for so long, and yet sometimes I still don't get you. But please, don't give up on life, don't give up on everything. What you feared of, everyone's experiencing it. So be brave and persevere. Please take care of yourself for me.  Sincerely yours, Me P.s. I made t...

Day 22 of 30 days writing challenge About Today It has been a tiring day. No, not really physically exhausting , most probably psychologically. Yet, these past few days I've been a bit under the weather . Two days ago it's like I'm all drained out and had so little (if none) energy left.  Well, as for today, the whole country ran havoc since our parliament approved an omnibus law  which triggered so many people due to its contents. The bill consists of 905 pages (that's actually super thick) which pretty much talks about every aspect investment and workforce/labour related. Might not be a good idea to talk about this anyway. I don't have the energy to talk about politics right now, and also seems like it's not really a privilege for some people to discuss this openly *wink. I just hope things will settled and minimum (if not none) damage should occur.  Continues on.... Maybe it's a better idea to talk about how people feel during these lockdown. Well it...

Day 21 of 30 days writing challenge Love Love is intangible, yet it's crucial.  Love is easy to say, but quite hard to be done. Love is when you give more and more but you never count. Love is when you're receiving and receiving and receiving things without a tab. Why is it so hard to be loveable ? Why is it so hard it's unbearable?  Love is not only between you and me, It's all about unity and sincerity. It's about trust and loyalty. It's about devotion and chivalry. "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make," Sang Paul McCartney.  True, but sometimes you gave more and more and more and nothing good came out if it.  True as it may, love has to be reciprocal, has to be in synch.  When you lost the balance, that's when you know,  That what you've feared of is indeed stalking by, That what came out of your nightmares are true, And you know, the end is better than to stay astray. And as for what we have, Though grateful I a...

Day 20 of 30 days writing challenge Celebrity Crush My celebrity crush(es) range(s) from some parts of my life period. Not alot, but actually I'm still into them up until now.  British Invasion When I was in my school years, I was in love with two bands: the Beatles and Oasis . From the Beatles, I used to love Paul McCartney , but not for long. I'd then prefer to like George Harrison  up until now. He was the lonely Beatles yet he's the most spiritual one. As from Oasis, out of the two Gallagher brothers, I prefer the little bro, Liam . I actually attached my first name to his first name as an alias in highschool (but I kept it just for myself). Liam was the wild one, his brother Noel was the quiet one. I always love those Brit boys, even up until now.  Japanese Occupation I always have crush with many Japanese celebrities. One of the earliest crush was with Tetsuo Kurata who plays as Kotaro Minami ( Kamen Rider Black/Black RX)  which was a superbly famous tokusa...

  Day 19 of 30 days writing challenge First Love "You're always gonna be the one,  今はまだ悲しいlove song.  新しい歌,うたえるまで。" Utada Hikaru ~First Love It was summer of 2002, on my last year of highschool. Hikki's song was the colour of my youth as at those years I've experienced my first love story . It wasn't ended up well since we're not mature enough. I wasn't mature enough, as well was he.  He was a senior, a year ahead. Went to a prestigious college and was really bright. I always into nerds , brainy indeed (is still) sexy. But at first I wasn't that into him but gradually my feelings grew. First year went okay for us. But the year after, when I went to a different city for further study, it's getting tiring have to go back and forth just to meet him. I was with him for four years straight , but my parents already (as always) nagging me to get married, every single day.  This is an example of what exactly is toxic parenting in a nutshell. Exhibit ...

  Day 18 of 30 days writing challenge 30 Facts (about me) This whole challenge had been quite narcissistic , but this is the pinnacle of it (I think, am struggling). Well, here goes nothin'. 1. Cat lover. 2. Love to eat. 3. Cook so you can eat. 4. Japanese enthusiast (includes various range of Japanese culture, emphasising on Japanese Pop Culture). 5. Wuxia lover (not an expert of it, but love to watch the series). 6. Beatlemania. 7. Corel > Photoshop. 8. Nervous, most of the time. 9. (Was a) Bookworm. 10. (Now) addicted to gadget. 11. Hate hypocrisy. 12. No small talks, please. 13. Idealist (sometimes got me into trouble for defending it). 14. Trust people too much, repeatedly got deceived but almost always   too forgiving (unless it's already too much). 15. Forgetful. 16. Prefer  text than talk (calls). If I call you, it means you're that important. 17. Not really that good inside. 18. Negative thoughts. 19. An old soul . 20. Contradictive. 21. Already dead ins...

  Day 17 of 30 days writing challenge Awe Me! Key to my heart is easy. I'm not that hard to be pleased, in a way I might counted as simple-natured, though personally--in my mind--I am an overthinker . The most important thing is chemistry , no matter how hard people try if there's really no connection made, there's no way anything will be accomplished.  In general, people love to get surprise gift. Even there's a saying that by presents you'll win people over . I love to send gifts to my friends, and also happy to receive anything from them as well. Gifts don't have to be pricey, or something extravagant. Gift is a token of friendship, thus what it means is what matters most. The nature of that gift itself has to be purely intended . If you have something and wanting other things as return (in terms of friendship) this will surely put me off. Don't give just because you want anything in return. Anything should be based on mutual admiration and love of frien...

  Day 16 of 30 days writing challenge Infatuation Ten minutes to midnight and I almost forgot today's writing challenge. Supposed to be about someone I miss, but I don't really know how to deal with distant short-lived feelings.  Wind Once obsessed I was, Like a wind arose  Out of the blue, Hell, should I drown in my thoughts? Of something I nearly forgot? It was only a brief, belittle by wrongly  Lay a trust While nonetheless  There's nothing but a gust Of wind drifted by Of my tears, Of my fears, Of what wishful thinking, it was Live and let live, And let the wind blows your sadness away, 'Coz anything is everything, while everything is nothing. We are, nothing.