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#29: Future Plan

  Day 29 of 30 days writing challenge

Future Plan

I don't think I have a plan for a further future anymore. I used to have one, but since nothing came true after that particular time, I now accustomed to live my life day by day.

Sure, there are planning ...

...but not for like a certain distant future. For example, I plan my grocery on a list, though not really sufficient as being called as planning.





Actually my life now is quite unorganised, and my spouse's even more clueless than me. He doesn't have any plans for his life, or our lives. I don't have any plans for my life anymore. Lol. You see, most of the time I don't have any energy left for planning. I'm done planning. Even at work I have so many things I can't finish yet, and they kept on piling. People at work actually said I can't finish anything, well guess what, who can? (With that kind of work environment. Lol. You've got to be kidding me. Fxxx off). Those people are the worst, talking sh×t and stuff. They don't even earned their place here (everyone's got accepted through népotisme. Lol. Looosersss).

I don't know, it's like suddenly things just started to happen for no reason. It's like I don't want to do this stuff anyways but people from work somehow forcing me to do things--unplanned things--like you've just heard it just now, and they want it to be done tomorrow ✅. Wew. What kind of work management is that? I can't even.... OmG. The tense for doing things karepmu all.f×ckin.time just gives me a headache.

I've been working in a crappy happy place with no rewards for whatever effort you made (especially if you don't bribe or lick your way up) and constantly underestimated everytime. Off course I'm not a perfect employee, I find it really hard to fit in. And off course toxic environment takes its toll on me. And why am I hang on? I've no other choice, and for better or worse I got this job fair and square (no nepotism whatsoever, and it's a big deal here since everybody seems to know everybody (people are family here, literally)).

So I guess I'm done planning anything, atleast for anytime soon. At first I thought maybe I'll try to get a scholarship for continuing my study, but come to think of it, I'm at my lowest point of motivation nowadays, right to the fact I'm actually feeling that anything I did is useless anyway. I think I really need a break, as everything is exhausting. 

...And there's this thought about having babies. We actually did nothing except the regular stuff and it's tiring just to face that you still got your period every month. I'm tired of hoping, and I don't think I can handle seeing gynecologist for another effort. So I'll just go with it.

At most, I actually want my spouse to be more proactive. But he's not like that, and I don't have any energy left to cheer on anybody. I'm so tired with life. I don't know what to expect anymore. I'm tired. So tired.

This is not a good post, as at this exact moment I'm thinking of multiple things to be done simultaneously, yet none have made any progress.

I'm sorry.

Day 29 and I'm too tired to think clearly, and I have no plan for my life. I just hope this time I'll be happy. 😌
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