Eversince I was a child, as far as I can remember, my parents (esp. my mother) always told me the sole importance of being a woman is to be someone's wife (!) and bear his child (!!). You know, it's indeed imprinted deeply in my mind, since I was three years old that my existence only verified by me being a perfect girl and mother. And what makes it worse, I always told that no matter what, we have to have a girl as a successor--well our tribe is matrilineal. I was raised to belief this.
See, these things aren't good for young minds since one cannot be free from the aim for being someone's wife (!!!) and I've dated guys with no intention on getting married anytime soon. So yeah, it was chaotic. I was too naïve to read the situation back then and have no guidance from my parents--they're strict and conservative, still are up 'till now. No way they will give me any guidance on "love life" as what they'll do is just marrying me off with some guy and get grandchild(ren) out of it. Lol.
One of the things that always baffled me is that my brother always, always, have easiest life with them. No expectations, no hopes, no "wejangan", no nothing. He lived quite a carefree life. He even never obliged to do housechore for once. Come to think of it, I have a younger sister and she never did the chores too... (talking about social inequities in siblings. Lol). For once, never did I enjoyed being the middle child. It sucks. I don't want to be anyone's mediator. I honestly don't care about you people, and it's tiring to be a buffer for whole my life. Up until now there's always fights for petty things--supposedly settled by them as parents--but unfortunately grown bigger and bigger and blew. It's extremely exhausting. And they never listen to what I said.
My parents, they never even learned about how they broke me. They never said sorry. And up until now, they kept on pushing their ideas and ideals on me (maybe I will keep an update later on if my project here is done). I don't know how many times I felt worthless, and I even know deep inside they never loved me the way they did with my brother. It gives me heartache, and a question mark, why do parents differentiate their children? It's not fair. I never ever wanted to be their source of "hope" or anything, heck, they don't even love me. I know, because I once ask them and they did answer me that they only love my brother. I remember that, and will always remember those words. And I hope that someday if I have a child of my own I won't make the same mistake as my parents.
I don't get it why they have to have daughters while fact is they just love their only son.
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