Expect the unexpected

Being pregnant while you're on your late thirties wasn't something I really planned for. I was really skeptical before in terms of both my physical and mental condition and not really expecting this unexpected event. 

But there she was, there in my belly. After a failed marriage I found a decent guy, with all of his imperfections and mine we weave our destiny together and God gave us our miraculous girl. 

My mother told me how she was already planned on trying to get me to do the IVF but hesitate to do so since I wasn't really good at controlling emotions and stuff. And she was quite right since it's always been an issue and still, up until now. For our family, especially my mother, me having a girl is like an absolute must, if one might say so too. As me growing older and people start questioning (I hate how busy body people can be, while fact I spent most of my time avoiding people or meddling into their lives), some even said to my mom to get me an adopted child. It's hurtful, those suggestions, and I was lucky I was filtered from them. 

And yet here I am, with a one month old girl, already she spent most of her first three weeks in hospital. If you know how useless can one feel is when she saw her child got into an E.R, not yet a month, with an I.V attached to her arms. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but it was dramatic. And she was nearly lost her life, because of me. Why? I can't keep up with her needs of breast milk. 

If one can say what's the hardest thing to do in this world is : bringing another human into this world. It wasn't easy, before. It is still not easy after. And the mother always get that look and blame. The fact that so many people pushed new mothers nowadays to exclusively lactate gives pressure to me and the toll was right there. She, my baby, was dehydrated. And the thoughts of giving her formula or other's milk wasn't really thought of because everyone kept on pushing me to breastfeed,...and there was barely none. It was devastating. I condemn people that judge mothers who give their child formula. You fxxxers don't know what they've been through. Try walk in their  shoes before judging or commenting. 

And after the hospital disposal, the drama continues. My girl was suspected to have a low level of thyroid. I was, again, devastated. I tried so hard not to share anything on my social media (this blog might be the only channel I will be updating regarding this--knowing it's like a journal no one's gonna read). Will get another test for her this week and I pray to God that she's okay.

This week has so many sleepless night, I am weary to the bone. I hardly can do anything else instead of nurturing. 

Wish me luck. Wish my girl luck.