#3: A Memory

Day 3 of  30 days writing challenge.

A Memory

A memory of loosing memory, might be a more suitable title for today's topic. But I'll stick with using just ' A Memory '.

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What is a memory? Is it something we experienced? We felt? We cherished? If one can recall just a memory, what exactly worthy to be remembered?

Have so many memories, it's quite overwhelming just to pick a specific one. Should it be a happy one? A gruesome one? A heart-warming one? A sad and painful one? 

Yesterday I did say maybe will tell stories about sightseeing, but come to think of it, it seemed a bit mundane and dull. And it might also have a lot of joy in it, so can be told later on, on the right theme day.

Well...talking about memory. Maybe I'll try to share another perspective about having (and not having) memories (and thoughts)--a memory of recalling memories. Taken for granted, having memories or even a memory is a bliss. Recalling my times of despair, could be considered 'lucky' to walk out exactly as "me", though a bit bruised inside, psychologically. Maybe I wasn't the same person as I used to be. Some people aren't that 'lucky', being able to have a sense of reality. Some of my friends there, they're really went deep down that rabbit hole, and can't come back.

But what is luck anyway? Is staying 'sane' considered as lucky? Is having a memory (a painful one that is) can still be considered as lucky? No, never ever cursed what's been done and been through. All is exactly as they should be. But experiencing a blur line of reality and fantasy, not knowing the truth or lies is what makes people people or not. A memory of having so many voices in your head, telling scenarios and plots and everything. Still seemed like yesterday, always knew that something was off, but can't really tell what. By experiencing a different perspective, you'll never knew that your whole life is just a fake drama. Those voices, I don't know what they were. Some said that those resulted from a chemical imbalance in your brain, caused by extereme grief or sorrow of certain shocking event--got too many dopamine and lack of seratonin etc. And some said it's intractable--once you had this you'll be impaired for life. Some said that it's all mambo-jambo crap, that people do some black magic and filled your head--and body--with jinns (yes, genies exist, but it's another story for another time maybe). Whatever that was, certainly I wasn't right in my head, and you know what, what I remembered that of all thing, loosing your mind might be more liberating than keeping your sanity. At that point I was literally have no control over what I said and done, but freedom is what that was. Nothing is more liberating than being able to express anything regardless your state of mind. Just glad nobody posted videos online. Lol. Not that I ashamed of it, no. But people tend to talk bad about these things because they never experienced it first hand. 

A memory, more beautiful one would be nicer to share. But of all things that I've been through, this was the turning point of my life. I can see things clearer and can see there's no point in rushing things, or to look good in everything or in everyone's eyes, or no point in covering your feelings. What matters most is what you feel, if you're not happy, do say so. If you don't want that work to be done alone, say so. Although not every time you'll get what you want, atleast you save your sanity by not keeping everything steamed up inside. I'd prefer to stay honest to myself, be a grumpy person, instead of talking sweet while I'm depressed. 

Still down every now and then, and sometimes tremors come and go. But admitting your weaknesses and past doings are keys to be liberated psychologically. 

So, a memory there is, for day 3.