#1 : Personality

 Day 1 of  30 days writing challenge.

Personality.

Talking 'bout personality, I'm not really good in expressing my self in a place with high competition or where people are eager to show that they're 'it'. The more people show off, the more will I withdraw from it.

Anyway, I have a conflicted personality, at times I want to explore things and be expressive, but mostly i'm quite reserved--not really fond of bragging things or achievement. Maybe it's always been my nature since I was born as a middle child, with two dominant siblings; my big bro and my li'l sis both are headstrong and I've been functioning as a catharsis since day 1 (maybe this is for day 11). 

Diagnosed before with severe depression, schizo, and bipolar symptoms, I just glad I can keep my sanity intact, and no relapse hopefully ever again (this will be another full story on its own~ lol. Maybe someday i'll write this down). I'm not ashamed for experiencing what's in the past, I gained so much from it. Maybe too many. 

For my personality, you can draw the red line from my early childhood up until now. Have always been told as an obedient yet rebel child (this is how I became a complicated and conflicted person), yet I know that of all three (of my parents' children) it's always been my responsibility to straighten things up, but deep inside I just wanted to be 'ignorant', but fact is I just can't. Although my li'l sis have more responsibility nowadays in her hand, but she's stronger than me as a character. People actually listened to her. For most of my life, I'm invisible. 

Always knew that parents have their golden child, and it's not (and will never be) me. I was the least person to be considered in the house. Nobody ever listened to what I said (I literally have no voice nor authority). Always knew it, but the epiphany came after I was severely mentally impaired about two years ago.  Though they did take care of me during my absolute breakdown times, but they never really cared, or say sorry, not more than caring about saving their own face or at least get rid of their problem.

Oh right, as part of my conflicted personality, I'm an anxious person. And It's a sad thing that even up until now I'm still having suicidal thoughts in my mind. And I have a huge trust issues in me. But have been trying to put positive things in my life  (this perhaps will be a story for tomorrow, day 2 :)...) as I don't want to put another mental burden again and have been outspoken more and more lately, which is a good thing.