#5: Parents

 Day 5 of  30 days writing challenge.

Parents

Quite a sensitive topic I presumed. Okay, let's start.

Why is it so important?

In east culture, having children is what defines you. Society dictates people to have children despite they're feasible or not. Lately, there have been more talks on socmed such as twitter about toxic parenting, and it splits people into two major groups: (1) anak durhaka (unfilial child), and (2) anak emas (golden child). These groups apparently have their own sets of standards, which makes it impossible to blend them together. How is it so different? 

The first group consists of people with ranging experience on toxic parenting; could be from severe, harshly abusive parents, to gaslighting or minor symptoms of neglect or parental egomania. People in this group are seemed to be having repressed childhood, having major trauma issues that impacted their lives.

The second group consists of people that luckily have non-destructive, loving, caring parents--a blessing they took for granted. In some ways, they're bashing people from first group, especially about being why not be super filial to parents, no matter what. These people, inspite of being showered with love, show less empathy to those 'unfilial children' because they experienced less abusive or non-abusive parental experience.

True, we can't really choose our parents and our family, but empathy is what makes us humane. You can't dismissed the idea that there are parents that indeed toxic, quitely opposing the idea that every child has total obligation to their parents, even though they're less humane than what normal is. Nonetheless, unfilial children obviously exist, and this too is a major issue (but is not today's topic, so I won't be focusing on this).

While I'm still struggling to have an offspring, these thoughts (of parenting) haunt me every day. Maybe people my age suffer the same too. 

My parents

A little bit personal issues here, but trying to be open more. My parents are quite typical boomer parents. They came from rural areas to the capital, met at university, had three children, built house together, etc. Their expectations are quite typical boomers too: they passed on their unfinished dreams to the child that can be controlled. And what makes them more boomers is, they have zero tolerance on arguing, especially about things they thought was best for "us".

I'm not blaming them for being like that. The whole generation commonly has similar traits. But I'm still trying to accept the fact that I was the child that's always obliged to do exactly what they want, since both my siblings are indeed free-spirited. And in their eyes maybe I'm a failure, because what they've plotted me to be wasn't really working. I have so many blunders in my life, which makes me think about am I worthy to even be alive? Life goes to an unexpected turns. You've got to believe in predestined future while you've being said that you have free will (!). This is too overwhelming.

Everyday I'm still questioning why, why am I even exist? 

Last weekend I have a discussion with my cousins, and one of them analyse me that among three of us (me and my siblings) I've always been a lost child. My big bro is their favourite, always. My li'l sis has her own will and is a tough person (will talk about them more on day 11). And this fact really brings me down. People may try to dismiss this by saying, "No, your parents love you equally,". Well, guess what, if you have a just parents that's a blessing. I met so many middle children with similar issues, we are indeed invisible. But they need us to be a proud parents, to be their trophy, to be a show-case. Often they forget that we are too human beings. 

Don't get me wrong, they're quite decent people, although a bit naïve and often got scammed by filthy people. They can be super nice to random strangers and brought them into their life while neglecting their own children's worries, which is typical boomers. And I'm really thankful that they gave me a normal life, financially and educationally we're more than average. They've done a great job in social and economic improvement, lifting our lives. We're not rich, but we're not exactly poor. 

I have a dark past that maybe I can't really tell just now. Saying your thoughts on the internet scares me more now, because once you've done wrong, people will dig up your digital footprints. It's quite hypocritical 'cause we all know that everyone have bad days and commonly people nowadays will rant on the internet. Let's just pray that God will always cover your bad deeds. We're not angels, we're only humans. And humans are not without errors, we often make mistakes, over and over again. And eventhough we're God's masterpiece, sometimes we lost our ways. 

What now?

Not to worry, no matter how lost they are, I'll always love them. It doesn't matter that they don't--and probably will never--love me as much, but I will always pray for them. And also pray that maybe someday they'll love me back, not because what I've done for their honor, but just because I'm me. Some say that I'm lucky I still have both of them, and it's true. I'm thankful for that. But do remind yourselves that people have different experience, and you just can't put your own standards on other people's lives. Be thankful if your parents are or were supportive and open-minded.