How to deal with disappointment

Honestly, as a human being, we're kinda used to be in a disappointing position. William Blake, an English Renaissance Poet, once said, 

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." 

True, I've so many f×cked up friendship I lost count, and it is hard to mend broken relationship, let alone friendship. And also lovers, you can't possibly forgive the heartache just like that. But as people often say, time will heal everything.

But what about your relationship with your workplace? Is it the same as having relationship with people? 

Hardly even realised we spent too much time at our workplace, literally spending hours and hours of our lives just for the sake of gaining money, which eventually went down the drain as most only used for paying our bills. We spent most of our times for working. And with this kind of economy we're in it's even harder to be picky on what kind of work should we be in, or will it be good for our mental health or not, etc. Luckily (or unluckily) during pandemic we've got to stay at home, but this too bring more stress to our homes. There're no more boundaries on what should be left at work and what should be done at home (like resting or relaxing for example). It's like everything is about work, work, work. And although you ended up being less productive eventually and grew tired of life etc., procrastinating only makes things worse.

Actually I got into my job without anyone forcing me into it. Eventually ended up here for almost 12 years now, with pros and cons. Pros are like it's a steady job, with minimum to none lay-off scheme; can continue further study; etc. But the cons are plentiful, and the most repulsive is the toxic environment. Sure you can say that every workplace has its own merits and difficulties, but the fact that everyone's turning into some pricks after a while made me realise, dude, there's definitely something wrong with this place. I'm not saying I'm being ungrateful or all, but it's getting clearer day by day. 

Once, I was suspended from getting any work assignments due to complaining about smoking. At that time, everyone was smoking, including guests, in a centralised air-conditioned working place. No one stood with me, or even said something soothing. No. I was suspended for five months for telling a common, humane thing. It was hilarious. But they did finally make a smoking corner, so it's actually worth it(?).

The story went on, with several dramas including my divorce and how they talk bad about me being crazy and all. Well, I'm not (crazy, they are) and I've been working my ass off, well up until these few weeks where I'm literally feel like sh×t. Can't do anything without overthinking much about lately been going on this bloody job inpassing process, which is painful and again, full of drama. 

Anyways, I'm now almost 12 years working there, without significant improvement in careers and life, without appreciation whatsoever. Got two master's degrees but those degrees don't take me anywhere (career speaking). If you don't bribe, you're staying as you are. These people are sick. Nonetheless I was quite happy because there's finally an extra paycheck attributed to our job position added to our monthly pay. But it wasn't for long. Apparently there are people who've been envy for us getting paid like a normal human being should be paid for. So we've been assessed, again (they called it inpassing, whatever that means), just to be told that there's no position for us to begin with. So we took months of process of documents and tests for nothing. Nada. It was like wtf. Wth is wrong with you people. The only thing that makes us love our job is being paid for, accordingly, and now you're taking that away from us. Wasn't even a big paycheck to begin with, barely enough for paying bills and mortgages. But now they're taking it away from us, just because of envy.  It is the biggest heartbreak since my last divorce. 

Again, I'm still hoping they'll be kind enough to knock back into their senses and pay people accordingly. I won't say I'm not happy or what, but without the extra payment, we'll receive less than regional and even national minimum payment, even any blue collar workers will be paid more than us and it's really ridiculous, no matter how you look at it (and somehow we've got no bargaining power whatsoever). No, it's not about there's no money left, it's about toxic, envious, environment. 

These couple of months I've been working so hard to pass on information to people from my unit (my Boss said I acted as coordinator, while fact is it's just a title noone would appreciate. F××× it.) but they're just a bunch of pain in the **s ungrateful pricks. Idk why they hate me so much, I've done nothing bad to them. Those bloody snobbish people. They've been talking sh×t behind my back and even have a decency to still laugh at my face. If you want to know worst of people, there you have it. I hate them so much I can't say it anymore. But my religion told me not to curse at people, so let karma do the rest.

If someone said just quit then, actually I've been thinking about that a lot, eventhough I got accepted there fair and square, unlike those lowlife people, got in from népotisme. Lol. Anyways, always been suicidal, but lately I've been thinking more about how miserable life is, and I think I'm getting used to it. The only concern now is how am I going to pay my bills now that they'll retract the extra payment??? But you see, I don't know if I can hang on anymore working in such toxic environment, it's not mentally supporting. You can't tell from the outside, seems like everything is perfectly okay, like it's a regular normal-looking workplace. But truth is, everything is rotten to the core. 

I really need a break. Thinking about moving into other cities, or maybe idk I can't really find any entry level work at this age. This is so frustrating. Won't be sound nagging or anything, just found it today that again that place is indeed heartbreaking. And now tell me, how to deal with this?